Nothing

I just got back from a weekend at a friend's cabin down in Southern Utah (real close to Vegas). We did a lot of really fun things, and had a good time all around. After we'd been there for a while I had a realization:

I'm not good at anything. At all.

This isn't a bad realization, necessarily. It's just.. interesting. Because I definitely try a lot of things. 

For example, we rode ATVs around a trail near the cabin and yeah, I've done it before, so not a big deal right? Wrong. I know how to do it all, work the clutch, shift at the right times, listen to the RPMs, etc., but that means nothing. Last time I rode I successfully rolled the ATV a total of four times. That's a 4. F. O. U. R. And that was on sand dunes, nonetheless. I was a bit skeptical of riding again, and wasn't going to do it, but I figured, "hey, it's been awhile, I'll try it again." But not without warning Dannielle and Bianca that I had had a bad experience and ATVs just hate me in general. WELP I was right. Probably about a mile into our ride Dannielle stalled right in front of me, so I stopped to help her out. Long story short, I got back on mine, turned it on, and hit the gas. Apparently it was just SO excited to get goin because holy crap it freakin' took off. I promptly fell off (hit my head on the ground first), and it ran over my foot. Oh, and the ATV kept going. Real fast. Into the woods. OUCH. Soo... instant headache and a fatty bruise on the left side of my body. And my foot hurt. 

That basically sums up that experience. ATVs + Caity = pain. Lots of pain. 

Anyway, yeah, I'm not good at anything. We also went on a little "hike" (walk) over to a waterfall. It was really cool. The whole group of us was there taking pictures and stuff so while no one was looking I went behind a big rock and decided "I'm gonna climb this and it's gonna be awesome." Climbed it. It was cool (less awesome than anticipated). Got almost the whole way down and fell. Scraped up my left arm and have a bruise on top of the ATV bruise. No one saw that little tumble, I'm pretty good at actin cool, haha. But holy crap it hurt. 

So not only can I not ride ATVs (or anything else for that matter), I can't even move either. Many will vouch that I often stumble while walking in a straight line. What else am I not good at? Let's list.

School.

Sleeping. ...at night.

Paying attention.

Eating.

Sports.

Singing.

Being healthy.

...and other stuff. I can't think of them right now. But I might later. Hahaha I'm not good at remembering! There's another. 

I'm okay with this though. Because I still DO all of these things, or attempt, even though I know I suck. That's good, right? I suppose it's only fair to myself if I list some of the things that I think I am good at (even if they're pointless and not helpful to humanity at all)...

Smiling.

Laughing.

Being dumb.

Creepin.

Driving.

Watching TV.

Drawing (sometimes). 

Watching sports.

Talking. 

Reading.

Basically anything that doesn't really mean anything. 

Huh. I don't know what this says about me. I pretend to be good at stuff, but I'm not. This isn't an "I'm insecure and need compliments" post either. I'm not sad that I suck at everything, it's just interesting. I never really thought about. But I'm all talk. Usually I can convince people I know what I'm talking about, because I usually do, but the conceptual knowledge means NOTHING. Haha. Believe me. Some things I know I'm good at... heh heh... but I won't tell what those are. I have a reputation to uphold.  :)

So much to do. Ugh.

Today is the day that everything I haven't been doing piles up so much that I have no idea where to start. So, naturally, I avoid it all and decide to blog instead. Oh college, you've taught me so much about the most effective methods of procrastination. Oddly, I'm not stressed at all about the workload ahead of me today. I know I'll get around to it, so why worry? I very rarely stress about school things, I think it's because I know that whatever happens (what homework I do, how much I study, what grade I receive, etc.) is all based on what I decide to do about it. I stress about things that I can't control. Which seems a bit backwards, I just realized. Okay, wait, clarification: I don't worry about things I can't control, I worry about how the consequences will affect me. I suppose that's a bit more accurate. 

I think I'm just restless. It's weird because a year ago I hated change and really liked everything being consistent and predictable. But since last summer I've completely done away with that and now I'm all about just doing stuff and goin' with the flow. I crave change. I don't need to know what's coming, or what's going to happen. Well, sometimes I do, haha, but generally I'm gettin pretty good at just taking life as it comes and I'm so much happier. Good friends definitely help though. I'm not entirely sure what this post is, mostly just rambly thoughts of a stressed procrastinator. 

Sam gets back from his mission in about three weeks and I'm so so excited. Two years went by much faster than I thought! Now I just gotta hold out 'til my birthday when Austin comes home. Finally my freshman year boys are comin back! It's gonna be a party 24/7.  Yay! Hahaha... this picture makes me laugh every time. It was so late and we randomly made the same face and it was really funny for some reason. Oh Sam. 

And Austin. Haha. We were bored and went to the mall just to mess around. Ended up in a toy store for a couple hours and tried on all the random dress up hats and outfits. It was a good day. Oh, then we saw that movie - Pursuit of Happyness. I didn't really like it. Except that it's set in San Francisco. Anyway, I'm excited for him to come back too. 

I'm not really sure what either of them have to do with anything... hahaha. Once again, just some  thoughts that have been floatin' around for a while. Another thing, I've decided that I want to write music. I've tried before, just some piano stuff back in high school, but I'm gonna try again. But there's no piano here, I just realized. Dangit. I'll just stick to listening to it I guess. I'm good at that. 

Text-able twitter was a bad idea. Now I just do that all the time. I'm trying to hold back, but I just get to bored or mad or anxious and I gotta tweet about it! Hahaha. Especially the past few days. Thinking a lot drives me to twitter-ing more and blogging (obviously). It helps, even if I don't say anything specifically pertaining to what I'm thinking. 

Whoa. Unexpected epiphany. I'm outwardly pessimistically realistic, but secretly illogically optimistic. It's really a bad combination. Hm. That's weird. And dangerous. And stressful. 

Okay that's all. I'm hungry. And I'm not hungry very often so I have to take advantage of this. Even though I probably just wanna eat because I know I have to do work. Ha. Oh well! 

:)

OKAY, so I found this little notebook that I started February 2008 that I had titled "Happy Thoughts - Everyone Needs a Laughing Place." I had written down, and numbered, things that make me smile. I made it for days like today, and it works. I recommend this method to everyone. These are some of my favorites that I had written down - some apply to specific experiences, others are pretty broad. And I added some more recent ones too... haha. 

1. Getting really into a new book.

3. Late-night talks with best friends.

19. Taking walks.

20. Swings.

26. Unexpected phone calls/texts

29. Hearing a good new song. 

36. Driving with the windows down and sunroof open and music blasting.

42. Bonfires.

46. Being impulsive and having it work out.

47. Fresh flowers.

64. Jumping in puddles.

67. Random Spanish phrases.

70. Realizing how lucky I really am.

74. My big brother. And little brother. And little sister.

91. Surprising people. (in a good way)

97. Coffee ice cream.

103. Disneyland. :)

106. A full tank of gas.

113. Best friends who always love you.

116. Baseball games.

121. Bandaids.

134. A new crush.

147. Highlighters.

148. Tape.

156. Scrapbooking.

182. London.

192. Intense Harry Potter discussions.

220. Random photo shoots.

222. Little rebellious things.

232. Doing things by myself.

237. Getting lost.

242. UCLA. 

243. Being sneaky.

244. Anticipating something awesome.

249. The zoo. 

255. Dinosaurs.

256. Blogging.

257. My new lucky necklace.

258. Those buttons on Jeremy's blog. 

259. Planning new adventures.

260. Reading in the park.

261. Cooking. In a dress.

262. Drawing pictures.

263. Singing Disney songs really loud.

264. That picture of the giraffe and the duck.

265. Road trips.

266. Finding this list on a bad day. 

That's about it for now. Obviously I've skipped over quite a few. Nonetheless, I smile. :)

Life sucks, then you die

Okay, so that's a bit dramatic. 

Between yesterday and today my life has taken quite a turn for the worst. Whatever could have gone wrong, has gone wrong and I'm left to fix it. HOORAY!! This will make things more exciting. Except not because there's nothing I can really do about any of it. Let's review:

-potentially not going to LA because of flakey friend.  that's all that's kept me goin these past two weeks. 

-my credit card account is closed because Wells Fargo is run by idiots with crappy customer service.

-failed my test today for the one class I'm taking this term. how? i don't know. i'm just stupid.

-had an interview today but they won't hire me because I'm only going to be here until the middle of June. 

-I have no food and no money to buy any more. luckily I'm not hungry. 

-all my friends are gone for the summer.

-Dannielle is in SF until Wednesday and I'm lonesome.

-I'm about to strangle my friend who insists on telling me to "calm down". H no.

-I wanna go home.

-I still can't sleep like a normal person.

-lack of sleep makes me moody and emotional. 

-you think you know someone. but then they go and prove you wrong. 

-I have a headache. a bad one. 

-I didn't use proper capitalization in this post and I'm too lazy to fix it.

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm kinda shocked actually. I'm usually pretty good at finding the good in stuff.. but right now all I can think of that's good is that I won't spend any more money because I'm not going to get a new credit card until I pay this one off. Yay? Pff. 

Oh life. Why do you do what you do to me? Even though I kinda did all of these things to myself, I guess. But still. DANGIT! That realization didn't help anything. 

I'm thinking about selling plasma. There's a place here that gives you $30 every time you go in and you can do it twice a week. Wow. If you know me then you know I hate everything to do with giving blood/plasma/needles inside me for an extended period of time (especially IVs). This is kind of a big deal. It's actually a really big deal. 

Alex. I love you and that video. It made me smile. Definitely needed, thanks boo. 

Studying

I'm not doing it. Ha. 

-

- Also, my glow-in-the-dark football looks like a huge eye at night. Had dreams that there was a massive dragon looking at me all night.

- Woke up to dead tulips. Depressing.

- I love my lucky necklace. Even if it's not lucky. I still love it.

- I don't wanna fail my test tomorrow, I really need to do well. But it's so freakin' boring to read this stupid textbook.

- I'm ready to drive to LA. I'm sick of Provo and it's lack of people/nightlife. I don't wanna come back on Sunday but Bianca has to be back for class on Monday morning. Boooo.

- Wizards don't even have Google. That would have been SO helpful in the Philosopher's Stone when they're trying to figure out who Nicholas Flamel is.

- Don't even get me started on wizards not having cell phones. Enchanted coins are cool an all, but seriously, cell phones are so much easier.

- I need money. Real bad.

- Happy Mother's Day, mom. I wish I was at home right now.

And those are my thoughts as of right now. My mind is pretty complex, it's not a big deal. I'm a deep thinker.

Mmm. Food.

I think that I love to cook. Just made a delicious pasta dish for myself with pesto and garlic extra virgin olive oil as the main ingredients in the sauce. MMMMM. About to make some cinnamon bread. Also MMMMMM. 

Golly, I feel so domestic! 

I need some chapstick.

This is going to be a very, VERY random post. Just some stuff I've been thinkin' about and a few ADD comments as well. Potential to be a very long post... heh. We'll see! 

-I really like my new blog layout. It's so much easier to read and just flows. And I feel like it's more "me". Even though green is my favorite color. I just like this.

-I take extreme joy in the little things in life, I realized. Everything right now is super boring, I have no money, and I'm failing at school. But life is GOOD. The weather is grrreat, tulips are blooming everywhere, I have fantastic friends all over the place, my family is amazing, my apartment is always clean, I can see the moon right now and it's full, my bed is made, and countless other things that I'll probably address later on. 

-Today was a really good day. I woke up late because I didn't get to sleep until 6am, but once I was up I went to the gym, then got some food, went to the park, came back to do some homework and read my book, took a nap, and then went dancing. Love it.

-The park is a great place. I laid on the blanket and drew pictures and wore a cute sundress and didn't even get sunburned. Oh, and the boys playing baseball came and that made it better because baseball is the best and I love the sound of the ball hitting the bat.

-Frozen yogurt with coconut, strawberries, and milk chocolate chips on top is delicious. I want some right now.

-I like me. I like who I am. I think that's important. There's always room to improve, but overall, I like me. I like that I don't get offended easily or overanalyze silly things. It's all good. 

-My eyes were really green tonight and I liked it. Sometimes they're blueish or brownish. I like green the best thought. 

-I say "I'm awesome" a lot. I don't really believe it though. 

-I wish with all of my heart that I could just say something right now and not have be taken the wrong way. But it would be. So I won't. 

-People think I'm Irish. I don't like it. I want one of those Irish rings with the heart, hands, and crown but I don't wanna get one because that will just encourage the Irish thing. 

-Relationships are fascinating. So many levels and dimensions... People are very interesting. 

-I wish Alex had a blog so I could read it. I like to argue with her. Just for fun. We don't argue about stuff that we really care about; we discuss. :) 

-I feel like this picture is one of the most hilarious things I've ever

seen in my life... >>>

-Twitter is such an odd word. Who comes up with this stuff?

-Gosh, I have a lot I want to say to two people in particular. I need to clear some stuff up. But I don't want to bring on the ire prematurely. It's driving me insane. Can't get it out of my head. Ughhhhhhh. 

-Tonight we went to a club in Salt Lake and dressed up in 80s attire. I danced in a cage for the first time, oh and it was on a stage. Hahahaa... good times. 

-I still have sparkles all over me and they're getting everywhere. As Demetri Martin once said "Glitter is the herpes of art supplies."

-I got a new wallet at Wal Mart. It's black and a girl one. Apparently my other one was immature and stupid. Psshhhhh.. I got it from the ABC Store in Hawaii freshman year of high school. That's soooo not immature OR stupid. Haters.

-My favorite time to spend money is when I don't have any. Crapppppp.

-I think that the whole world is talking about love and marriage right now. I don't understand. Swine Flu isn't the issue here, it's the Love pandemic. Get out while you still can! I think I'm the only survivor that I know of. I'm like Will Smith in that zombie movie.. uh.. I Am Legend! Yep. That's me. Maybe I should get a dog... 

-I make myself laugh a lot lately. I can't decide if that's a good quality to have or if I'm just going crazy. 

-Church is good. I like knowing who I am, where I'm going, how to get there and where I've been. Life is so much simpler and easier. Well.. easier in certain respects. It's surprising how many people are quick to judge, torment, ridicule and mock our beliefs. Yeahh.. way to be tolerant, guys. 

-Families can be together forever. I'm counting on it. :) I sure like mine.

-I (very foolishly) just imagined a crab being on the floor by my desk. BAD IDEA. I'm afraid to get off my bed now. I just shuddered for real. 

-I hate lobsters too. And scorpions. And crickets. Anything else I'm fine with. I'm quite fond of spiders and snakes. ....Now I'm imagining all these things on my floor. Gahh I need to stop this.

-I'm going to try to sleep now I think. It's only 3:44.. but perhaps I'll get lucky. 

Successfully wrote a completely pointless and ramble blog. Won't be the last either. 

Hahahaha. I just looked at that picture again. It's still great... ahhhh... 

Insomniac Introspection

This is the first, but likely not the last, of the rants of an insomniac. My inability to sleep is a somewhat recent development. I generally pride myself on being able to sleep wherever, whenever but I feel like I can no longer make such claims. It's come to the point where I can not sleep at night. At all. Around 6pm today I got a bit drowsy while reading my book and slept for roughly an hour and a half. I woke up because it got dark. As soon as I adjusted to the light (or lack thereof) I was wide awake and ready to run a marathon. Unfortunately the gym closes at midnight now. Anyway, it's become somewhat of a problem because there are other things I do during the day and sleeping is not always an option. Oh.. and even if I'm not aware that I'm tired, my mind still doesn't work properly and I end up doing/saying ridiculous things or just keep talking in general. I apologize for any irritation, awkwardness, or confusion this may cause. Good thing I have a blog now where I can say stupid crap and EVERYONE can know! Dangit. 

Last night I finished my book around 130am, not too late, and ended up lying in bed and just thinking. Never good. But for some reason I feeling really reflective and was analyzing certain aspects of my life up 'til now. The main thing I realized is that there is a huge difference between dwelling on the past, and learning from it. 

I like to think of myself as a learner. I figure everything that happens, whether it be good or bad, somehow makes me more prepared for the future. Thus far that's been true, but there's one thing I'm going to try to make a conscious effort to change. I don't trust people. I'm not sure if this is me learning from my past, or dwelling on it. Yeah, there are people that I DO trust in my life right now, but they're only my closest friends and family; people I've known for a while and grown really close to.  There have been multiple experiences in my life that I can address specifically that have caused my trust issue, so when I see any part of that behavior repeated in someone else it legitimizes my distrust and I immediately create a wall. Don't think I haven't tried trusting people again, I definitely have! Just recently I had an experience that solidified my first instinct, even though I had decided to give [-----] the benefit of the doubt. Everything was going well, I'd even thought that I'd been wrong to judge too early. Nope. It almost made it harder than if I'd just assumed it was going to happen all along. But because I let my guard down it just opened the door for more of the same. 

Wow. Uhhh.. that got a little off-topic. Back to learning vs. dwelling. This is going to sound pretty nerdy, but I think I was inspired by Harry Potter. I had just finished the 4th book last night and I decided that when Harry is dueling with Voldemort in the cemetery and their wands connect and Harry sees his parents is the exact moment when Harry stops dwelling and started learning. Up until that point he'd looked at the past as a great catastrophe and let it overtake him. After that moment, he began to learn. He looked at his experiences as stepping stones to overcoming the trials ahead. I need to do that. Granted, it would be a heck of a lot cooler if I could do it at Hogwarts with a wand, but I guess I'll take what I can get. 

Always find the good in life. A good thing that has come of all this trust complication crap is that I am definitely more honest in everything. My inability to lie is a factor, but honesty is just so much easier and lets everyone know just what you're thinking. Have a question? Please ask. But be warned, you may not like the answer. I tend to be brutally honest, just because I'd like the truth no matter what. Please let me know if I'm ever offensive, I don't mean it that way. And if I ever feel like there's any confusion or miscommunication I often take it upon myself to clear it up. Misunderstandings are stupid and so easily avoided. On that same note, when I ask a question I hope to get an honest answer but can't help but be very wary of the intentions of the responder. Sorry. 

Crap, got off topic again. But hey, it IS 3am. Ramble time. 

Bottom line: LEARN from the past, don't dwell on it. 

Bottom line: Lying is stupid.

Bottom line: I need to trust people more. I think..?

Bottom line: I really need to start sleeping when it's night. 

ps. I found a fortune from a fortune cookie that I'd saved from a long time ago. "Trust others, but keep your eyes open."     How comforting. 

Love is in the air... and everywhere else.

PDA in Provo has increased exponentially in the past two weeks, to the point where I dread going to any public place that may have the slightest chance that a couple will be there. The best examples I have of this are 1) the gym and 2) the grocery store.  

The GYM?! REALLY?! You have no place better to go than to SIT on the floor in between some treadmills and CUDDLE?! Okay, first of all, there are better things to do with each other to burn calories than cuddle at the gym... you know what I mean. Second, it's just an icky floor. Nasty. And third, why would you WANT to do that? Find a comfy couch, get a blanket and go to a park, sit in your car; there are an incredible amount of options. Sick fools.

Now, the grocery store. This is a very recent experience.. as in it happened about a half hour ago. I was purposefully walking to the various items I needed throughout the store and then BOOM. Oh hey there happy couple standing right in front of the peanut butter. My mistake, not only standing, but mackin' hardcore. He's basically lip-raping her in the middle of the beans/nuts/soups aisle. How romantic!! So sorry to interrupt your personal couple-time, but you're SICK. You can't keep your hands off each other long enough to get some sandwich fixins??? Perhaps you two should divide the list in half so you can be done quicker and get to bedroom that much faster. I know. I'm a genius. 

Don't get me wrong, couples are great. Public displays of affection are okay to an extent. Hold hands - please! A peck on the cheek - sure! Shove your tongue down each other's throat - NO. For the love of all that is holy - KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL YOU GET HOME. 

Springtime.. love is in the air... yada yada yada. Combine that with the already ridiculous relationship mentality of (almost) the entire population of Provo and it becomes unbearable. Can't wait to get back home, or anywhere besides here, where things are.. well... normal (comparatively). Gah.